Why consequences and punishment often don’t work for young kids
When kids struggle to follow an adult directive, many of us as parents and caregivers try to leverage whatever it is that we want the child to do, with threats of punishments or consequences (eg turn off the TV now or you'll lose your iPad for a month). Many parenting strategies are built on one key assumption: that a child can stop, think, reflect and that they have a strong memory to choose a different behaviour next time.
But these skills live in the prefrontal cortex and that area of the brain is still under construction well into adolescence and early adulthood.
Consequences assume a child has these 6 key skills
When we use consequences or punishment, we assume a child can:
- Pause before acting
- Control impulses
- Regulate emotions
- Think flexibly
- Reflect on past actions (working memory)
- Apply learning to future situations
These are executive function skills, and they depend heavily on the prefrontal cortex.
In young children, and kids with developmental vulnerabilities like ADHD, these systems are still immature or easily overwhelmed. This means that repeated behaviour is rarely a choice. It’s usually related to a skill that a child needs support to build.
When a child keeps doing the same behaviour despite consequences, it doesn’t mean:
- They don’t care
- They are being disrespectful
- They are choosing not to listen
More often, it means they can’t yet:
- Stop something once started
- Shift attention
- Transition between tasks to disengage from a preferred activity
Behaviour is communication
Persistent behaviour, or difficulty following an instruction, often communicates a skill gap, not a motivation problem.
Task-switching and transitions are some of the most demanding skills for the developing brain.
- These skills are especially limited before ages 5–7
- Children with ADHD, sensory sensitivities or developmental vulnerabilities often need support for much longer
These kids don’t need more consequences, they need more adult support and scaffolding.
Why punitive responses backfire
Punishment increases stress and cortisol.
Elevated cortisol:
- Reduces self-regulation
- Shuts down the thinking brain
- Decreases internal motivation and learning
- Makes the behaviour more likely to repeat
Skills don’t grow under threat. Skills grow through repetition in calm, supported states.
A skill-building approach that actually helps
Instead of asking “What consequence will stop this behaviour?”, try asking: “What skill is missing and how can I help build it?”
1. Build skills when everyone is calm
Learning cannot happen in a dysregulated nervous system.
2. Make skill-building playful and interesting
Play reduces stress and increases engagement.
3. Use novelty and external supports
Examples:
- A visual timer for transitions
- Novelty (eg A basketball hoop over the laundry basket if putting clothes away is hard)
- Visual schedules or countdowns
These tools reduce the load on the prefrontal cortex.
4. Collaborate with the child
When calm, ask:
- “What part is hardest for you?”
- “What could help next time?”
Make a plan together and talk through that this approach will be used the next time things are hard.
5. Shift responsibility to the adult when skills are lacking
If transitions away from preferred tasks are hard:
- Use timers and warnings
- The adult sets the boundary
- The boundary is held by the adult without placing the burden on the child (eg instead of asking the child to turn off the tv, tell them that you know they're watching their favourite show and its hard to turn it off so you will help and turn it off for them)
Support first. Independence comes later.
The reframe
Kids do well when they can so, if behaviour isn’t changing, the question isn’t: “What consequence will work?” but should be; “What skill is missing and how can I support this child to build it?”
This approach reduces conflict, supports brain development, and builds real, lasting skills not just short-term compliance.
Dr Claire
Paediatrician and Founder, Base Kids Health